Thomas’ Story: Allowing himself the space to relax through the fog of anxiety

Can you tell us about the conditions you have been diagnosed with?

I was diagnosed with both Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Seasonal Anxiety Disorder about eight or nine years ago. I had been dealing with anxiety issues since I was a teenager, but it wasn't until I was in my mid-twenties that I realised this part of me wasn't just some sort of personality 'quirk' but actually something that I needed to get some treatment for.

My anxiety issues have touched almost every aspect of my life - I feel at least some level of anxiety pretty much every minute of every day, and it often causes me to stress about small things. These are things that most people would probably find trivial, but they can quickly 'snowball' for me. I find it incredibly difficult to relax. 

When I am in a heightened state of anxiety, which in the past has been more often than not, it's that fight or flight kind of feeling, and often it can relate to the feeling of needing to get certain things done. I can get into a loop where I find it difficult to do anything because I am so anxious about the things that need doing. It's a vicious circle at times.

That could be as small as thinking, "It's time for me to sit down and relax," but then I remember that I haven't done the washing, and then my focus is on every small task around the house, and then bigger projects that I have been putting off - all things that really don't need to be done right then and there, but it makes it almost impossible for me to relax, even though I know I need some 'time off'.

That's just one small example. My anxiety manifests in so many ways that it's hard to even go into them all.

And, what kind of impact does this have on your day-to-day life?

I think it comes down to a bit of perfectionism. Until whatever task I am anxious about is done, perfectly, I'm stressed about how it might look to an outsider. 

That feeling can show up in a bunch of different ways—am I dressed right for a certain occasion? What is the weather going to be like in a few hours? Do I need to take an umbrella? Should I bother with my jacket?

I know that I'm not the only person to have these thoughts, but for most, it's nothing more than a minor annoyance. For me, it causes so much stress it's almost unbelievable, and it always has, and that is just one small example.

I work as a musician, and that can come with its own set of challenges. There is a certain level of both internal and external pressure to perform. I spend a lot of my time writing music, and that has an extremely complicated relationship with my anxiety.

I guess the anxiety comes from knowing that if I fail in my own eyes, then it's only me I have to blame. And that weight is heavy. For me, the anxiety response is this feeling of fear - that if I'm not having a fun or stress-free time while I am writing music, I'll never write a good song ever again. That definitely gets in the way of the creative process at times, even though I know logically it's not true.

Before finding medical cannabis, what methods did you try to manage your anxiety?

When I first received my diagnosis, I went through a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which I found helpful. That was almost nine years ago, and there was quite a long period after the CBT where I just managed my anxiety as best I could without any other support or treatment.

More recently, I noticed that I was struggling again. I started a more intensive course of therapy and also started taking a medication called pregabalin, which is often prescribed by the NHS for anxiety.I had a lot of good recommendations, and my doctor was willing to give it a go.

But the thing I have found with my anxiety (and the best ways to manage it) is that it's not just about fighting it with medication and therapy. It's also about making sensible life choices in terms of getting exercise, eating healthily, and basically giving myself the best chance to fight against it by being as strong and healthy as I can.

I think I'm fairly lucky that when I have an especially difficult period, I tend to automatically respond by trying to look after myself, as opposed to the opposite. The two really important things for me are exercise and eating healthy. I'm conscious of the importance of having a healthy and not obsessive relationship with food and exercise, whilst also making sure it's a big part of my life.

And, before joining Releaf, had you ever tried cannabis before?

Yes, although I wouldn't say I was a regular user or anything like that.

Just a month before getting my medical cannabis prescription, I went to Amsterdam. This trip was quite eye-opening, having more responsibly sourced cannabis as an available option. My main realisation that came out of that was that cannabis was pretty useful, it helped me settle my anxious thoughts.

I felt more okay just relaxing, which I know may sound a little odd because most people look forward to relaxing. But I am the total opposite. I find taking time off and just doing nothing in particular difficult, it's a real trigger for my anxiety. Even so, I know that I need to spend periods of time relaxing. 

But, while I was in Amsterdam, I had the time to think about how much cannabis was helping me be in a relaxed state without that anxious little voice going off in my head, and that sparked me to look into medical cannabis once I returned home.

I actually had no idea that medical cannabis had even become a legal treatment option in the UK, or that a really close friend of mine had already been prescribed it. But after having a nice long chat with him about the whole process, and how great it had been for his anxiety and back pain, I started having a look around and found Releaf.

How did you find the process of signing up, and how was your first consultation?

The sign-up process itself couldn't have been any easier also. From beginning to end, it was really straightforward, smooth, and quick. I've been incredibly impressed with Releaf's service, in all honesty. 

All of my recent experiences with any service or company have been pretty atrocious, but the opposite couldn't be more true with all of my dealings with Releaf.

Every interaction I have had with both the doctors and the patient support staff has been impressive. Whether over the phone, through email, or in video consultations, every interaction has been extremely professional and compassionate. Unlike other recent interactions I have had with other companies, it really feels like everyone at Releaf cares.

It is clear that there isn't any 'script reading' going on, and they have all taken the time to listen to what I have said and answer in a way that makes it obvious that they are hearing me and are genuine in wanting to help.

How has life been since starting medical cannabis?

It has really been a great addition to my life, and to the way I tackle more anxious days.

I don't take medical cannabis every day, but knowing that it is another 'tool in the toolbox' allows me to carry on and function more normally, even when things are getting a little bit harder.

It's a comfort, as it were, knowing that if I am having an anxious day, a day when even the idea of relaxing is causing my anxiety to spike, I have an option sitting there that I can use to help me fall into that state of relaxation and get myself out of that anxious thought loop.

Another big thing for me is being able to take my prescribed cannabis in a healthy way. Having the vaporiser has been massively beneficial, not just in terms of my lungs but also from a mental health perspective. I know that the way I am taking my cannabis is a healthy and positive one. And that helps me not get stressed about my anxiety management, which helps me not just relax in general, but also focus on the things I want to do.

I've only been on medical cannabis for about 6 weeks now, but it's all been really positive so far.

And finally, what are your hopes for the coming months?

I'm really interested to see how the next few months go.

I suffer from seasonal anxiety disorder, which is where my anxiety can get quite a lot worse in the autumn and winter months. It's coming into August now. So, this is the time when my brain is like, "It's already August, which means that actually, it's nearly September, and September is almost October", and so on.

So I think it's going to be really interesting to see how that works. I might get very anxious about the fact that the sun is going down earlier, and I might get this feeling of I haven't done enough today. I find it mostly quite easy to get the things I need to do out of the way during the daylight hours, and then relax in the evening.

With winter on its way, I'm hopeful that my medical cannabis will make it easier for me to relax into the idea of shorter days and longer nights and not worry as much about getting everything done by 5 pm.

And being more open with the idea of going out and enjoying that time. Going for a walk in the park, seeing friends at the pub or a café, whatever it may be. Just kind of allowing myself to not fear that kind of darkness, rain, and wind, which I currently find so hard to deal with. 

Let's see how it goes!